I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize