ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
