Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I supernannyed him into submission
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
