I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize