We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize