The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
