I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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