gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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