I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
