Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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