1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize