I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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