the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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