I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize