Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
