I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i want to swaddle you in tequila
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
