Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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