I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Randomize
