So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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