she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You are a genius and a whore.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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