I looked at my own cervix.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
