Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
