Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
