The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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