i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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