and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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