i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
