Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
