sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I want to make a zoo with you.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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