He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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