Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I AM VODKA MAN
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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