remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
