nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
