The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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