I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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