Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
