I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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