Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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