she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I party with great urgency now.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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