My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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