If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
