Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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