Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
