i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
