So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
