Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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