"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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