my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
