youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
