i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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