If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
