Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
