Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
