o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
