fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
