he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
