he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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