True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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