Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
ttyl tear gas
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
