Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize