My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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