there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
