No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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