True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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