the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
